The Sad Man With a Box
by Eira Lloyd
Summary: Sonya's in her room in the TARDIS, and uses that time to think about the Doctor, and the reason behind his actions. One-shot.


**A/N: The other day I had this conversation about Doctor Who with a friend, and this is basically what we discussed. The narrator is my OC from "Seeking the Doctor", Sonya. I got the title from a song in the Doctor Who soundtrack of series 6. There are slight comparison to Supernatural there, and what might or might not be a spoiler for season 4 onwards. Not so sure about that. Sorry for the angst.**

**The Sad Man With a Box.**

You know how the Doctor's always telling people — specially humans — that they're important, and all, but no one ever really tells him that? And how everyone in Gallifrey just considered him a mad fool? I mean, 'cos that can't have been good for him, so what if him telling people that they're important is, like, a reflection of what he'd hoped someone would've told him when he needed to hear it? Like, he's doing it because he doesn't want people to feel the way he felt, and probably still feels?

We know the Doctor's broken, and he's been like that long before we met him. Our lives are so short compared to the Doctor's, and we know it, and he knows it, and he doesn't want us to leave this world thinking we're worthless, or alone. Because he's feels like that, and will continue feeling like that for he rest of his life. But, you know, I don't think Gallifrey was ever his home. I know, being the last of his kind is painful, regardless of whether he was an outcast or not back there, but… I mean, I think he was broken long before he went off with his granddaughter Susan and ended up in 1963, and, well, I can't say much about Classic Who, so moving forwards in time, we've got the Time War, and Nine obviously had PTSD. From the war, from the shock and the pain of being the last of his kind and all, but now we _know_ the Doctor isn't sure about wanting Gallifrey back, despite what he said at the end of the 50th Anniversary Special, about Gallifrey being his home, and that that's where he wanted to go. And if we consider the obvious war that would occur once the Time Lords came back, the war mentioned in last year's Christmas Special… Gallifrey might never come back. Not any time soon, so the Doctor's gonna be lonely — not alone, never alone, always lonely — but… I dunno. I think Gallifrey broke him, honestly.

It reminds me of Cass and the Angels though, somehow. Time Lords are the angels, the Doctor is Cass. They both care about humans and do their best to protect them… But the Doctor, other than his no-weapon policy, is also different from Cass when it comes to forgiveness. So, I guess, in a way, Gallifrey broke him, but also made him a better man, if that makes any sense. But he paid a very big price for that.

It reminds of the Doctor's speech in the Rings of Akhaten. "I will tell you a story. Can you hear them? All these people who lived in terror of you and your judgement. All those people whose ancestors have devoted themselves, sacrificed themselves, to you! Can you hear them singing? Oh, you like to think you're a god! You're not a god, you're just a parasite, eaten out with jealousy, and envy, and longing for the lives of others. You feed on them. On the memory of love, and loss, and birth, and death, and joy, and sorrow. So… So… Come on, then. Take mine. Take my memories. But I hope you've got a big appetite, Because I've lived a long life, and I've seen a few things. I walked away from the Last Great Time War, and marked the passing of the Time Lords. I saw the birth of the universe and I watched as time ran out, moment by moment until nothing remained, no time, no space, just me. I've walked in universes where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a mad man. I have watched universes freeze and creations burn. I have seen things you wouldn't believe, I have lost things you will never understand, and I know things, secrets that must never be told, knowledge that must never be spoken, knowledge that will make parasite gods blaze! So come on, then! Take it! Take it all, baby! Have it! You have it all!"

Because, he's not lying about all those things he went through. To run away from the people who'd broken him, he had to go through all those incredible experiences, more often traumatic than not. That's why the Doctor only chooses the best, because he chooses people who are mentally and emotionally strong, resourceful, spirited companions.

And being the better man? Look how that turned out! For example, the Master. It breaks my heart, he thought _a friend_ had survived, but he was too mentally unstable, and _bloody killed himself_ as a revenge against the Doctor, because he didn't want to be forgiven. Being the better man might win all the moral high grounds, but where's the sanity? Where's the happiness in that? By being the better man, how many people has lost the Doctor? How many people has he made suffer, indirectly or not, purposely or not?

The Doctor is not a bad person, but he's broken, lonely, he's most definitely not sane (in a good way, though). And that's the price he's got to pay, for being, not just a good person, but who I believe is the best person out there. 'Cos… I mean, look at him, for God's sake! He saves people, never expects, never _wants_ to be thanked. He travels, because he wants to discover what's out there, and new things excite him, because it's something he doesn't know about. He's so full of life, so full of greatness, yet he can't see it. And subconsciously, he knows it, and maybe that's why he has companions. Because, deep down, he knows what a wonderful person he is but he can't accept it. His companions aren't just a reminder of that, though, but they're also people who make him a better person without breaking him, like Gallifrey did. His companions are his healer, of sorts. Deep down, he knows that.

The Doctor's very independent, but also so very dependent on people… Jesus Christ. My heart breaks for him every time. And he can make you smile, he can make you laugh, but in the end, he's always going to feel miserable. Because for the Doctor, there's no end in sight, so he'll have his good moments, and his bad. And it reminds me of one of his quotes: "The way I see it, life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don't soften the bad things, and the bad things don't spoil the good things or make them unimportant". He's not just saying what he believes in, he's saying what he's experienced. And he'll feel like that for an eternity, bad things more than good ones. But the good ones, in his mind, are worth it. And I think that's why he always chooses to regenerate. 'Cos he's got something to look forwards to. Same name, same runaway life, but a different life all the same, 'cos he's not going to be the same person, he's not necessarily going to travel with the same person, and even if he does, he'll be another man.


End file.
